dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
