i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
