youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
