There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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