are you so shy because you have an std?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
