Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
