There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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