I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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