after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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