Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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