Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
