well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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