Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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