There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
