ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
