how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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