Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Randomize
