I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Someone shattered a urinal.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
