batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
