well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
