You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
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Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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