My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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