I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
