Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
