I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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