I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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