I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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