I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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