I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
A+ Viking dick
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
