Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
