First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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