I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
