apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
