So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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