whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
