The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
