were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
