she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
