No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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