Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
