I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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