Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
