If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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