you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
