I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
