Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it because I queefed?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
