"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
tell me about the eggs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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