Can i not drive my cunt home
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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