1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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