When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
