Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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