You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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