Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
