Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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