i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
